Do you believe that these three things go together? It's often surprising to me how many people don't. Women... Muscle... and Sex, oh my.
I wrote this piece more than a decade ago, and although there have been some pretty massive shifts in how we view and honor female bodies--all bodies--there still seems to be an obsession with the over-sexualized, skinny, waif’ish, sized 0 masquerading as sexually superior. It seems all of life is plastered with what I call “skinny fat girls” (who often weigh less than 100 lbs. but have about 25% bodyfat) claiming that they can show us the way to a fit, lean body in less than five weeks. …Something seems off here.
With the advance of body positivity, we're beginning to collectively understand the value of all types of bodies. Yet societally, we continue to promote the idea that smaller is better, that taking up less space will somehow empower us.
How many of us—-male or female—-look at tiny bodies and FEEL our blood pumping and our sexual appetites inspired? There are those who do…. But most of us, from what I’ve found, don’t feel a lot, except for the women who compare themselves and simply feel TOO BIG in comparison. (A deeper exploration with the image pictured above: Average height & weight of a VC Model – 5’10” and 110 lbs. Average age – 21.)
Women, and these days many men as well, very often look at the images constantly displayed on our screens and compare ourelves to these bodies that current Northern-American culture claims are the “hottest” but look as if they might collapse under the weight of… life.
Maybe that’s part of the problem. We’re granting too much influential power to folks who just can’t handle the weight.
Here is one thing I know about the human body:
If you do not purposefully engage it, intensely; you will not know how to engage others with it, powerfully.
So what does this mean for a woman or girl who has little-to-no muscle? And what in the world does it mean for her—and her partners' sex lives?
Let’s think about this for a moment. No muscle usually means no strength training (and strength training can fall under all sorts practices used to purposely strengthen the body’s musculoskeletal system)—often a sign of those folks who are caught in the world of cardio and… um, “toning”—who would become faint if handed a 12 lb. dumbbell and would justify not training with, “Eewww…. I don’t want to get all big and muscle-y.” NEWSFLASH ladies: If you’re built like a stick with very little natural muscle, there’s as much chance for you to bulk up as there is the Hulk turning pink! And believe me, Skinny-fat doesn’t age well. So take a deep breath and pick up some weights, or do some push-ups.
Make friends with your muscles.
Sometimes skinny is a sign of someone who is “watching her figure” by essentially starving herself. ….Of course, if she’s not inclined to indulge the sensory pleasure center of her mouth, tongue, and taste buds; will she be any more inclined to indulge sensation in other areas of her body? (…Something to think about)
Now, clearly I’m putting some bold generalizations out there and exaggerating for effect, though hopefully not pissing anyone off too horribly. And I struggle with my own desire sometimes to be “thinner.” Uugghh, I hate even naming that, as it feeds the epidemic. I also know women who purposely try their damnedest to PUT ON WEIGHT in the form of muscle, and struggle to do so, and I don’t want to add to a story that all skinny women are frail or less-than-sexual-less-than-powerful-beings. Not the case!
Realistically however, there are far too many people caught in the idea that “skinny” is “sexy” – that smaller is better, that …..ultimately, that “less” is “more.” And this is simply untrue.
And we need to stop wishing ourselves away.
I’m clearly not speaking to the woman who trains her ass off, nourishes her body with healthy food and engaging activity. I’m talking to the women—and men who worship them—who think of a gym as a place to chat with their friends while they do 30-45 minutes on a Stairmaster or in a “Step class,” never really engaging their bodies or muscles, and live on 600 calories a day. That’s not healthy or sexy!!
Let’s talk about why. When you think about sex—really think about it—(and I know you do on your own, so I’ll just boldly invite you to fully engage here while you’re reading) …when you think about what it feels like, what your ideal vision or sensory experience is, with legs and arms intertwined; bodies fully engaged and exploring, positions, changing positions, moving in all sorts of wild ways that put your genitals in just that perfect place in relation to your partners genitals …And how they work, and the movements that most stimulate them—and moving your partner, being moved by your partner, holding on, holding down, holding tight, the aliveness that can overtake you at times…. Consider the difference of doing all that WITH muscle (equaling stamina, strength, endurance, flexibility, engagement, and a vast movement repertoire) vs. WITHOUT muscle (equaling… well, someone who looks good draped over a hot car in a bikini).
What do you want to FEEL? How do you want your partner to engage with you and how do you want to engage with your own body and with your partner? Or partners?? (Just considering my potential audience). So…. can we STOP giving the message to women, and particularly to young women and girls, that SKINNY is SEXY?
Let’s just stop!
People sometimes chuckle when I say I’m going to “train” rather than exercise or workout. And they’ll ask, grin on their faces, “What are you training for?” I usually simply respond with, “Life!” Maybe I need to say, “A rockin’ sex life!”
We learn to live through our body’s interaction with others, with our environments, through movement and sensation and touch. And right now, far too many of us are growing our brain-based-knowledge and losing our body-based-wisdom.
When we know how to tolerate intensity in our bodies, we know how to tolerate intensity in life, in love, and with one another. And let’s face it, life’s just intense sometimes. How about we figure out how to move through it rather than shrink away and avoid it?
If you’ve not taught yourself how to train with intensity, your body will have no capacity to engage intensely with another person.
I’d love to hear what some of you find most sexy about your partner’s—real or imagined—bodies and ways of engaging yours. I think we all might be pleasantly surprised that most often, it’s not the “perfect” whatever… it’s the way it’s used!
For the Love of Your Life!
Angie