When a hurricane destroys entire cities, and people are left stranded, we rush to help them rebuild their homes and their sense of security. When fires rage into homes and rob families of everything they have, we share our wealth—household goods, toys, clothing, money. When someone is sick, we work to raise funds to pay for outrageous medical bills.
When trauma happens—human beings want to help. Helping gives us a sense of meaning. It not only connects us to one another, it provides us with a sense that “we matter,” we can do good, we can make a difference, we can help. We are empathic creatures, by nature, and when our communities are suffering, our natural response is to “feel” together.
However… when children die at the hands of murderers, there is no offering of material wealth, service, or activism that will mend the shattered lives that are left in the wake of unimaginable loss and heartache.
We are left to simply mourn with those who have lost the ones most dear to their hearts. And this, I suppose, is as it should be. Because this loss is simply too great for any one person, any family, or even any community, to hold on it’s own. This is a tragedy that calls upon all of us to be a conduit for healing.
Right now, many people who are reeling from this tragedy, even those in distant states, are finding it difficult to focus on everyday tasks. Not only are we traumatized and scared, many people are experiencing guilt when going about normal daily life, when interacting with children, because we know that so many lives are in a state of debilitating grief.
There is a cumulative feeling, for many, of helplessness and, for others, a sense of meaningless, as a result. Questions arise such as, “how can I focus on cleaning my house when there are people grieving their lost children?” And bigger questions, such as, “How can I bring a child into this kind of world?” Some people, triggered into remembering their own traumatic histories, feel that they cannot go about their normal lives.
I want to offer some thoughts on a way to help process through grief and guilt, as well as the desire to help hold this massive collective suffering. Many of us right now are caught in mental and emotional anguish—our brains are spinning in a never-ending loop of despair and confusion. And without understanding, which ultimately we will never have, we are stuck.
That’s trauma. And even when trauma is vicarious, it can wreak havoc.
Let me provide some explanation for how this system works: Imagine a person who has severe trauma in their history, perhaps sexual abuse as a child. And this trauma is never “repaired.” The individual is left trying, as all humans do, to understand—to make sense out of what happened. And because it is so difficult to make sense out of such horrific events, our brains do something called “looping”—where our psyche keeps tracing the same pattern through our nervous system, trying to find a way out, a way to stop the cycle, a way to stop hurting… and ultimately, until trauma is provided a pathway through the person’s psychological body and physical body, it remains “stuck.” And when trauma is stuck, it continues to damage us from the inside out.
The same is true in the greater collective. We will all spend massive amounts of time and energy trying to understand the minute details of what happened and why, because we have a human need to make sense out of it all. But when there is simply no sense to be made, we will be stuck “looping” in the greater collective and this trauma will become “stuck” as part of our cultural makeup. And giving this kind of universal space to something so intolerable is like giving more power to that which has the potential to destroy us at the heart.
So I want to ask all of you to dig into your greatest emotional and physical resources and not allow this particular trauma to become part of our collective psychological makeup. Because I can assure you, that will not serve the greater whole. What also will not serve, in my opinion, is to close yourself to what has happened. I know that it is difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable to this tragedy, but shutting yourself off from knowing anything also creates a certain “stuck-ness” in the system, as trauma then isn’t allowed to “move.” I’m not recommending listening to all of the details. I’m saying, open your heart to the suffering that has occurred, in the service of supporting healing.
We, as a nation, need this to move. We need to feel it, together. We need to hold it. We need to process it, allow it to wreck us at times, to dig into our hearts and drop us to our knees. And as time allows, we need to move it through our collective system so that we can help to heal one another.
I’d like to offer some ideas for how, over time, each of us can help to heal this trauma:
Use your body. Use your presence. Use your heart.
Feel the feelings—not consistently, and pay attention so that you don’t become overwhelmed. But listen to your body. When you read articles, listen to the news, or talk with friends, notice how much you’re actually “taking in,” and also how much you are becoming numb. If you’re getting spacey or feeling numb, step away, turn off the TV, practice some self-care.
When you are feeling resourced—in other words, grounded, stable, “in” your body—MOVE. Find a way to allow some of the feelings you’ve been holding to move through you. Express the feelings you’re carrying in your body in some way. For some people, this could be a physical practice, such as dance, creative movement, exercise, running, strength training, Yoga. For others, it might be cooking a meal, cleaning house, walking the dog. Whatever you’re drawn to do, practice focusing on moving your body in response to these particular emotions, allowing them to move you and, in essence, find a way to move out of you.
Be present to the people with whom you’re interacting, to your own emotional state and response, to the tasks, relationships, moments at hand. Breathe into the awareness of knowing of others grief, feeling the grief with them, helping to hold the massive sense of loss and, with gratitude, step into your life and relationships with presence.
LOVE. As simple and powerful as it is… we need to keep coming back to love—from our anger, from our hurt, from our sadness, from our fears. Love will help us heal. Love is where we will find one another. Love will bring us home.
My thoughts, prayers, sadness, heart, and body are with those who are suffering greatly now. I wish for you to feel held in your grief, so that you can mourn this incredible loss in the safety of arms and hearts reaching out and holding you.