Relationship falls into a whole new paradigm than it did when our parents and grandparents were coupling. The gender-prescribed roles and hetero-normative structures have dissolved and we are designing the path toward deeper intimacy that requires ongoing personal and relational development and questioning the norms. There is extensive research on not just what keeps partners together, but what leads people to feeling satisfied and passionate about their long-term partnerships. Alongside the research, I’ve been sitting with, studying, and supporting couples for over two decades, helping them to develop and practice the emotional habits that lead to the love that most of us desire. Sharing in the ever evolving practices that support healthy relationship is hugely beneficial to me as well, and I’m grateful for the insights I’ve gained in sitting in the most open, vulnerable situations with so many couples over the years.
Following are 10 practices that I’ve personally committed to, in my own relationship, as I believe they are foundation for the type of long-term loving intimacy I desire. What practices resonate for you?
10 Practices for Healthy Intimacy
1) Curiosity: I want to offer my partner my open mind, my wondering, my authentic interest in his inner world. I don’t ever want to believe I know exactly what he’s thinking or feeling, or how he might respond. I want him to know it’s worth exploring all of the possibilities that live within him.
2) Healthy conflict: It’s not the moments of ease that predict a strong relationship—it’s how we manage the difficulties. I want to honor the nervous system strengthening that comes from staying with discomfort, building the emotional muscles that lead to greater trust in us.
3) Novel sex: I want our sexual expression to be an ever-evolving canvas of exploration, play, discovery, and learning. It is a form of love, affection, and playfulness, and a practice that ignites, and satisfies our erotic longing.
4) Eye contact: I want to always take time to intentionally look at, and into, my partner—to see and feel what’s happening that might be missed with words. Intimacy increases with eye contact
5) Generosity: I want to choose to give generously to my partner, physically, emotionally, and with regard to my belief in him. I want to see the best in him, give him the benefit of the doubt, and offer him what I know will nourish his heart, soul, and body.
6) Trust: My trust in my partner needs to be about HIM, not ME. We so often base trust in our level of safety, however, true trust requires us to accept that our partners are on their own paths, and as the people who love them, it is imperative that we honor and trust what those paths entail.
7) Co-creation: Envisioning a future together that requires both of our creativity, drive, grit, and commitment motivates a path toward shared purpose. Capitalize on the generative phase of life so that you ignite new perspectives and ongoing learning. When we co-create, we ensure a growth-filled life!
8) Play: Those who play together stay together! Playfulness is one of the ways that we bond. It ignites areas of the brain that help us to learn, practice creativity, experimentation, deeper connectedness, and feelings of joy and delight in life and one another.
9) Honesty: Offering our partners our complete honesty is the only way to develop true intimacy. Give your partner the gift of being with all of you—even the messy, flawed parts. This is a true act of intimacy.
10) Boundaries: Healthy boundaries are a gift to relationship. Knowing and embodying a strong sense of our own edges, our own requirements, and communicating those honestly and consistently creates a strong foundation for living freely within those constructs, and ultimately leads to more freedom in intimacy.