Imagine, for a moment, the shrill excitement of intense play from your childhood. Remember chasing, hiding, laughing; the games, the fantasy, the thrill that would ignite your entire body and have you giddy with laughter and exhilaration. Hopefully, you experienced plenty of unstructured, spontaneous play as a child, as we now know how essential it is for developing some of the necessary skills for navigating life as an adult.
I will often ask the couples with whom I work to create “Play Lists”—lists of activities they might incorporate into their relationship to nourish and ignite some of that same playful energy that often gets lost in adulthood. I ask them about the times and the activities that have historically had them feeling most playful, most joyful, that they might like to explore, once again, with one another. My theory is that those who play together stay together.
Here’s why this is important:
We bond through play. Play, in fact, is one of the primary ways that all mammals feel connected, and it’s intricately linked to our survival—both individually and as a species.
There’s a neuroscientist and psychobiologist by the name of Jaak Panksepp (1943 – 2017) who discovered what he termed “Executive Operating Systems” (EOS) or “Primary Effective systems” in the brain. These operating systems are biologically inherited, instinctual emotional systems common to all mammals and are the “building blocks” of the nervous system.
Beings who can connect and work together are more likely to survive than those who isolate or fight. Four of the seven EOS are specially organized and produce (when activated) the desire to be near and connect with others. These include CARE, PANIC/GRIEF, LUST, and PLAY. Three of these, CARE, LUST, and PLAY, often become inactive in long-term relationships without the intentional practices that are needed to keep them active and robust.
When the PLAY circuitry is activated, it produces spontaneity, creativity, experimentation, learning, social connection, and feelings of joy and delight.
Doctor Andrew Huberman, a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine, who hosts the Huberman Lab Podcast, states that true play is novel, something that you’re not proficient in, and is acted out simply for the sake of play. It’s not goal oriented or purposeful.
A few months ago, I posted a question on social media, inviting people to list the activities in which they and their partners most like to engage, that have them feeling both close and connected, as well as heightening their “play circuitry.” So many people responded, which I love!
The following is a list of all these shared and suggested activities—undoubtedly non-exhaustive. Now, I’ll preface this by saying these are not all spontaneous, non-goal-oriented, things that would naturally activate the play circuitry. However, they’re all great ideas—all options for couples who want to connect more deeply, so I decided to include them all. These ideas come from many friends and clients from many walks of life and are very diverse, and I hope they inspire you to let go of some of the mental and emotional constructs that inhibit play in your life and choose to have some fun with your partner.
Thank you to those of you who contributed to this list. And I’d encourage you all to use this as a starting point and continue to add to it, based on your own preferences and styles, and connected to the things that bring you joy and delight you and your partner.
For more ideas and support to explore the value, evolutionary benefit, and neurobiology of play, here are a couple of great resources:
Huberman Lab on Play: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwyZIWeBpRw\
Press Play – Ted Hour Radio: https://www.npr.org/programs/ted-radio-hour/1073230819/press-pla
Exercise 16 in the eBook: Developing Habits for Relationship Success by Dr. Brent J. Atkinson
PLAY LIST
Acro-Yoga
Adult bounce house rental
Adult gymnastics
Adult tag
Adventure challenge:
www.theadventurechallenge.com
Adventure parks
Air hockey
Airboat tour
Alphabet dating (next letter in the alphabet)
Art Class
Art Museums
Axe throwing
Badminton
BBQ
Beach time
Beer spa
Bike Rides
Biodynamic Farming Tour/Class
Blind travel - surprise each other
Board games
Body painting of any kind
Botanical Gardens
Brazilian Ju Jitsu
Brunch
Build a garden together
Build a pond/water feature
Bury a time capsule
Buy an Airbnb
Camping
Canvas n’ Cocktail (or similar)
Card games
Carrom board
Charades
Character Play
Chamber music concert
Charcuterie
Charity work
Chess
Chocolate making class
Chocolate & Wine pairing
Christmas Decorations
Cloud watching—sharing visions of what you see in the clouds
Cocktail Competition
College course
Comedy/Improv nights
Cooking together
Costume parties
Couples date with other couples
Couples massage
Couples pedicure
Couples yoga class
Create a Tiktok together
Creating vision boards
Culinary School/Build-a-meal
Dancing/Dance Class
Daydream
Deep-sea fishing.
Disc golf
Dopamine dressing: Love what you wear
Dressing one another up to go out on the town
Dressing up as movie characters to attend movie premiers
Drinks/Relax in the pool with music
Driving Range
Drum Circle
Ecstatic Dance
Escape rooms
Exercise class together
Fireworks
Food and alcohol experiences
Frisbee golf
Frisbee in the park
Full moon adventure
Game night w/ couples
Glass blowing
Glider ride
Go carts
Golf
Gratitude (Card/Dice Game)
Horseback riding
Hot air balloon ride
Hot springs
Hula hoop
Dance class
Hunting
Ice skating
Indoor sky diving
Jigsaw puzzle
Karaoke
Kayaking/SUP
Kiteboard
Lavender Festival
Learn an instrument
Learn language
Lip sync together
Lumberjacking
Magic shows
Makeup stories about random people
Making music
Meow Wolf
Mountain cabin
Naming Stars on a clear night
National park tours
Neon body-paint with black lights
Octoberfest
Outdoor sky diving
Painting each other’s toenails
Photography—somewhere neither has ever been
Pickleball
Pillow fights
Plan and host a party
Playdoh for adults
PlayHeart (Card/Dice Game)
Play Station—“Just Dance”
Play pool
Plays/musicals
Pottery Class
Psychedelic Play
Pumpkin Maze
Putt putt golf
Rent a houseboat
Replaying the first date
Redesign things (deck, room, etc.)
Rock climbing
Role play out on the town (pretend you don’t know one another)
Rollerblading
Roller skating at an old-time skate rink
Rope tying course—Shibari or Kinbakushi
Safari
Sandcastles
Scavenger hunts
Self-care night
Shared workout and diet goals
Skiing
Sledding
Slip n’ slide
Smash rooms
Snorkeling
Snowball fights
Spa
Stargazing
Strip tease
Surfing
Swim with dolphins
Swimming in a lake
Symphony
Painting class
Cooking class
Take “pretend” professional boudoir photo sessions of one another
Take turns telling jokes or ghost stories
Taking turns giving a massage
Tennis
The { } And (card game)
Theme Parks
Tickle fights
Train for dance competition
Travel list - check them all off
Truckers night (no silverware)
Tubing/Rafting
Twister
Video game parlor
Vineyard/Wine tastings
Visualize/dream of the future
Walk barefoot in dirt/mud/grass
Walk on the boardwalk/pier
Water skiing
Water sports
Waterfall tour/hike
White elephant
Windsurf
Wine of the month club
Woodworking class
Word games after dinner
Working out/dieting together—accountability partners (working toward a specific reward together)
Wordle together/competitive
Wrestling
Yoga of various sorts
Zip lining
Zoo
Zouk
I hope you enjoy and build on this list, and learn to use PLAY as a powerful way to expand and deepen your intimate relationships!
For the Love of your Life
Angie